Are you being bullied?

[Elizabeth Bennett]

Hi, my greatest passion in life is educating and raising the awareness of the problem of bullying in the schools and workplace. One thing I am trying to do with this is let people know that this is a form of abuse and that is Peer Abuse. Do any of you follow the topic very often? Have you ever been in a bullied?

[phill tarnowski]

I have never been the object of a bully but my son was when he was younger but they think twice before starting with him now. I asked him if he would like to learn Karate and he has been taking it four almost 5 years and is a black belt and an instructor. With all he knows he has never bullied any other child or started a fight needlessly. He is the protector of the smaller and weaker children at school and is liked greatly by his teachers and peers. He truly is a joy and a wonderful young man and I don't say this as a proud father This is what the people that interacts with will tell you about him. We need more young people like him in the world and eventually it will become a better place for all. Phill

[Avil Beckford]

I have seen a bully in action, abusing her staff, so I am well aware of the traits. I have also done some literature research on the topic. A few months ago, Seth Godin wrote a post on bullies and one of the things he said is to ignore them, and from what I have seen, that's very good advice. Bullies like to be in the limelight, the star in everyone's biography, so it bothers them when you ignore them.

Unfortunately people who are being bullied, are often in a vulnerable state and unsure of what strategies to use. It is great that the topic is being discussed in a forum such as this to raise the awareness of the problem.

Here are some common characteristics of bullies, I pulled from an article that I wrote on the topic.

Common Characteristics and Behaviours of a Bully Include:

• Manages by a culture of fear
• Discovers people's weaknesses to exploit them
• Humiliates and verbally abuses staff in front of coworkers and clients
• Belittles, put down, threatens or mocks others
• Makes others feel like they have no other employment options
• Devalues or makes light of others' contributions to the company
• Expects people to be on call 24/7 because they have no regard for personal boundaries
• Makes requests that are unrealistic and impossible to fill
• Plays the victim to make other people feel badly
• Distorts the truth and reality
• Manipulates others
• Exerts power and control over others, especially subordinates
• Passive-aggressive personality
• Can be very charming in public, so very likely to fool many

What has been the experience of others? And what are some other traits of bullies?

Avil Beckford

[Elizabeth Bennett]

Phil, I am so sorry your son was a target of these bullies. However, it sounds like he took his frustration and anger and turned it into something positive. By learning karate, he was able to build up self confidence not to mention good marshall arts skills as he is an instructor. Most importantly, I am glad that he defends those who are being bullied. Some who are bullied will become bullies themselves at some point. I am glad he used his experience for the greater good.

Yes, more young people like him are needed in the world. Absolutely!

As for you, knock on wood that this never happened to you. Do you know anyone else who has been bullied? Did they take their experiences and use them like your son did or did it have some other affect upon them?

[Elizabeth Bennett]

Hi Avil, it looks as if we posted at the same time. Nice to meet you.

Wow, you have done some writing on this topic, good for you! One thing I have to say is that in children, the ignoring factor does not always work. Growing up, we were all told to ignore it but when we did, the bullies kept on. The only way to have them stop was with some intervention from parents, teachers or anyone else in authority. In adults, the ignoring factor is easier to do. Adult bullies are so sneaky and underhanded.

One myth I want to clear up is that they all have low self esteem or self worth. Some of the ones I have met were very pleased with themselves and were always right while everyone else was always wrong. Their way was the only way. People followed and fed into their behavior either out of fear or because it would bring them into the "in crowd" so to speak. I have seen this and witnessed it myself. Adult bullies are charming and charasmatic.

That list you have is dead on for the adult bully. The workplace is littered with this type of behavior. A recent study came out that bully bosses were the ones who were feeling incompetant. Bosses? Maybe but I can assure you that not all bullies at work feel that way.

Great insight, thanks for sharing!

[Avil Beckford]

Elizabeth,
Thank you for raising the issue of bullies because it's one we need to be openly discussing. You are aiding the solution by discussing it. Let's keep the conversation going, what are some tactics that others have used successfully?

Elizabeth Bennett said:

Hi Avil, it looks as if we posted at the same time. Nice to meet you.

Wow, you have done some writing on this topic, good for you! One thing I have to say is that in children, the ignoring factor does not always work. Growing up, we were all told to ignore it but when we did, the bullies kept on. The only way to have them stop was with some intervention from parents, teachers or anyone else in authority. In adults, the ignoring factor is easier to do. Adult bullies are so sneaky and underhanded.

One myth I want to clear up is that they all have low self esteem or self worth. Some of the ones I have met were very pleased with themselves and were always right while everyone else was always wrong. Their way was the only way. People followed and fed into their behavior either out of fear or because it would bring them into the "in crowd" so to speak. I have seen this and witnessed it myself. Adult bullies are charming and charasmatic.

That list you have is dead on for the adult bully. The workplace is littered with this type of behavior. A recent study came out that bully bosses were the ones who were feeling incompetant. Bosses? Maybe but I can assure you that not all bullies at work feel that way.

Great insight, thanks for sharing!

[Elizabeth Bennett]

Oh I am always up for discussing this topic. Its my passion and bread and butter. Plus, I am an expert in the field :)

It is vital to keep this discussion going because people really need to be educated and informed on this. Many myths are floating around out there on this subject and people think they already know what this is. However, there is so much more to it and we need to keep raising the awareness of this problem.

Is there anyone else out there who is dealing with this at work or school?

Avil, how did you become interested in this topic? Did this ever happen to you?

[Ange Rewi]

Hi Elizabeth,

You have touched on such a fantastic subject and there needs to be alot more awareness around this subject as children just don't realise they don't need to put up with bullying.

Last year my son was bullied at school he is only 8. There was a child in his class that was picking on him and he decided oneday that he was going to stand up to this child and say leave him alone. The next day this child brought his 14 year old brother to school who said to my son that if he ever said anything to his brother again then this 14 year old was going to smash my son's face in. My son was so scared we were lucky that he told us.

We went to the school and told them the situation and they said because the 14 year old didn't go to this school there was nothing they could do. They suggested we go to the Police. So we took our son to the Police and told them the situation only for them to tell us that us both children were under the age of 16 they were minors and they couldn't do anything.

So for months our son was scared to go to school I had to walk him to class everyday and pick him up from his class everyday.

So I think there should be more done for children who are getting bullied as it is a horrible situation they are dealing with and yet there doesn't seem to be enough places for them to go and get help.

I wish you luck in yoour venture to bring more awareness to the problem.
Kind regards
Ange Rewi

[Elizabeth Bennett]

Oh wow! I am so sorry about your son Ange. That is terrible! Was the school able to do anything about the 8 year old that was abusing him? The 14 year old was not a student but the other boy was. They should have done something with him. I am glad your son stood up to him but as you see, standing up to bullies only leads to more problems as many have always said "if you stand up to a bully he/she will leave you alone."

This problem is way out of control and has been for a long time. It is important for adults to be educated on what they are dealing with in all of this. How can a problem be solved if it is not understood in the first place?

I hope your son is having a better year this year. Bullying is abuse; its Peer Abuse and it needs to stop. It can be stopped with education. Have a good week and thanks for responding.....

Take Care,
Elizabeth

[Wilma van Zwietering]

Hi Elizabeth,

My childhood as from the age of 6 has been characterized by being bullied. I disliked to go primary school, because of this and have been ill very often. Fortunately, I have had good friends too, who have made it more bearable. Nevertheless, I have developed a sixth sense for when somewhere bullying is going on.

Ange, I recognize your son's experience. My two children have been bullied as well. I had talked it over with our police of the neighbourhood. Only if there were signs of physical molestation they could do something. So in practice the bulliers can go on and on and the phychological damage influences the development of their victims negatively.

I agree with you Elizabeth that ignoring is not the solution for children, because it doesn't work at all. They need help to become stronger in physical and psychological way!

Thanks for sharing this.

Regards,
Wilma van Zwietering

P.S. To learn more about me go to http://victoryonlineuniversity.ning.com/profile/wilmavanzwietering. I'm looking forward to your comment telling me more about you. Feel free to add me as a friend as well.

[Elizabeth Bennett]

Hi Wilma, first off, I am sorry you were bullied. Like most adult survivors, you have developed that sixth sense. We all have it and can spot trouble a mile away. In some ways this is a gift because we have that insight into others and can prevent ourselves from falling into their traps. At the same time, and I know I use to do this, we would seek out abusive friends as that was all we knew. Hanging around bullies complicates things, does not help them.

I am sorry your children are being bullied too. Sadly, contacting the police is becoming just as common. The cops want proof before pressing charges because without proof, its a he said she said situation as aggrivating as that is. What you can do is try to catch these bullies in action. Have a camera phone? Take pictures or record what they are doing. Have a video camera? From inside, tape these bullies. When I was growing up, my mother use to keep a tape recorder at the bedroom window so she could catch the kid next door bullying other kids. You have something concrete then nothing can be disputed.

Another thing I suggest is counseling. Bullying is outright abuse, society is just not ready (or they continue to be in denial about it) to accept it as such. This needs to be handled like any other form of abuse.

Thanks for replying everyone and I hope you have a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving!

Take Care,
Elizabeth